


Suadade

by under_that_sun



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: A lot of feels, Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Main Character Death, mascara alert, the story is based on a song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-15 00:52:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9212339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/under_that_sun/pseuds/under_that_sun
Summary: Tony grows old and dies, Loki does not...





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, I also do not own the italics in the beginning (and sometimes the end) of every segment, those are lyrics from the song this story was inspired by - Saudade by Us the Duo. I recommend to listen to this song at least once to get the feeling the song gives the story.

_**Saudade** _

_Memories are the only thing I have left  
Wish I could've told you everything before you left_

Loki looks down at the urn in his hands, absent mindedly wondering what's he's supposed to do with it now. He brushes his thumb through the smooth ceramic side, his heart tries to clench in pain, but that has been what he had experienced in the last three days, so there's no difference in there.

To think that all that was left to see of over thirty years of a relationship was an urn full of ashes. Had the cursed pot contained anything, but what it did Loki would have thrown it into a wall in a fit of anger. But instead it's contents made him pull it closer to his chest.

To avoid collapsing as his legs start to shake the black haired man sits on a well known couch and for the uncountable time in the last forty eight hours he is lost in the path of memories and hurt. The two had been walking hand in hand now, one did not show up without another. But Loki welcomed both, because he'd rather hurt while remembering than be unhurt, but have no memories.

An image of a flashing smile resurfaces in his memory, cocky brown eyes are accompanied by it as the Tony in his memory is perched on the armrest of the very same designer couch Loki was sitting on at the moment. The man's face is the same as it had been in the past couple of years – grey, almost white hair, deep wrinkles by his eyes from laughing and smiling. A few pigmented spots that appeared on his face as he got older crinkle up as he grins, his chin has a bit of droopy skin, but that's inevitable sign of being old. The Tony in his memory is pushing his mid seventies after all.

The inventor is smirking as he waves for Loki to come closer and once the Asgardian is close enough, he shows off his new design for the new house he had been designing. Loki points at rooms in it, asks questions, inside he feels giddy, he doesn't show it outwardly, but he's assured the other man knows all about it.

They had been living on and off in the Avenger's Tower every time they decided to stay in New York, it was quite a contrast from the quiet Malibu mansion they tended to stay in for most of the time, for one the amount of people in tower and their level of restriction always had bothered Loki's instincts too much and now Tony had finally seen the reason in having their own house in NYC area.

Hair circle Loki's face as his eyes are locked upon the container. He needs to scatter the ashes off a cliff by their Malibu mansion, but the God of Lies cannot bring himself to leave outside the house as of yet. He hasn't been away since it all happened and was reluctant to go outside only to return to all the memories there.

He clutches the container tighter and cracks appear on it's surface, before it can completely break or the contents of it get loose. Loki fixes it with a wave of hand, letting his magic flow out of his body and do his bidding. Quietly he wonders for how long he could postpone this? Day? Two? A year? A hundred? Could he carry it with himself in his pocket dimension?

Five different options enter his head, but Loki knows he can't actually do that, he just can't carry around his lover's remains, if not because it would be that much more painful if because it wasn't what Tony wanted him to do when in his will he instructed of the way he wanted his ashes to go.

It's probably quite artistic how the sun is setting into the ocean, the reds and the oranges colouring the sky and the water beneath, but Loki doesn't see any of it as he finally steps closer to the glass door leading to the balcony overlooking the Pacific Ocean's coast with long cliff drops beneath. JARVIS opens the door without any prompting, the system had been just as quiet as Loki since Tony has passed.

The God of Chaos couldn't fault it, the heavy atmosphere just presses against them and the one person who would always distract them with their constant rambling was not there. Cold wind blew from the ocean and had he not been so impenetrable by cold he would have surely shuddered, Tony always did if he came out under-dressed...

The sealed lid easily comes off when Loki pulls at it, green eyes peer inside the container – to the ashes and bits of bone – it's quite disheartening to see the remains. He comes closer to the edge, extends his hand past the glass railing, turns the urn sideways and closes his eyes as he feels the wind picking up on the small bits of ashes that fly out of it.

With a little push of magic Loki makes the wind spray the ashes through the rocky coast – it's his own way of saying the last goodbye to the last part of his lover.

Now. There's nothing...

-II-

_I haven't eaten, I haven't slept,_  
I haven't smiled, I've only wept,  
I'm replaying every single word you said

The room is dark, the glasses of the windows set on complete darkness mode, the only light in the room comes from several electronic devices that have tiny coloured lamps that emit light.

In the middle of it stands a sofa and a low coffee table, around and on top of it all lay countless empty bottles of various spirits. The room stinks of faded alcohol and sweat – the basics of a place where it has been drunk way more than it was healthy. A bottle fell from the hand of the hunched figure who was sitting on the sofa, in the middle of the whole mess. The bottle rolls away and for a while that's the only noise in the room.

Then the figure sighs and collapses on the rest of the couch. Thor walks further into the room, concerned for the state his brother is in. “How long have you been in this room?” His booming voice echoes through the room and he sees his brother winces ta the loudness of it.

Thor feels a bit guilty for this, but he knows his brother is doing himself damage and that Stark would have not wanted this to happen, even though he knew this was inevitable. “JARVIS, open the blinds for some light.”

The system executes his request and instead of complete darkness the room is bathed in dusk. Loki's face looks ten years older and it's quite a feat as there had not been any visible changes to his face for a little more than hundred years. Thor's heart clenches in empathy and he silently wonder how his brother will ever get over the loss.

The romance between his brother and shield brother was quite unexpected, but when he witnessed how well the two worked together he couldn't deny he didn't understand why. They were similar where it mattered and different where it was essential. They both were so curious so fascinated by all that was new and different, neither ever discriminated anyone or anything even in instances where Thor struggled.

At the same time both were incredibly selfish and egoistical, but when they cared they gave themselves fully. With the help of Tony Thor had finally understood Loki in ways he used to struggle with. He owed his brother's late husband many things and missed him dearly alongside with his brother.

Thor's blue eyes focused on the exhausted face, red eyes and parched tear tracks trailing through the cheeks - it was not a good look on him. “Loki, when did yo last slept?”

The first answer he got was an indifferent shrug of shoulders. “Who needs sleep? Sleep is for the weak.” A small painful smile is on his face as he quotes his late husband's phrase.

The god of thunder has heard it enough times to recognize it for what it was – a painful memory that Loki can't help but cherish for it was filled with glorious emotion that was love. Oh, how his heart ached for his brother.

“C'mon, let's get you washed up and some food in your stomach.” Thor said as he picked up his slender sibling from the couch and wasn't it a big worrying sign that Loki let him? Didn't struggle or even say anything against it. He just accepted it and wordlessly let Thor bring him to the bathroom, dump him in a shower cabin and turn on the water leaving him there.

The green eyed man sat there for a while, letting the lukewarm water run down his face as he turned it up to the shower head, eyes closed, silent tears rolling down among the water droplets as memories assault him. Ah, what a cruel thing was love, it let you taste the most delicious of fruits, teased you with it, let you think it was forever, but then it would go rotten and he was just left with a sick feeling in his mouth... or was that just the after taste of alcohol?

Loki's painful laugh rang out through the bathroom as he laughed at his life just screwing him over one more time, how had he yet not learned from this pattern?

_Things always get better, you can only go up from rock bottom_. The god of chaos swallows hardly at the memory of those words that came from the lips he loved kissing so much. He bent his head downwards, stared at his palms sprayed against the cool tiles and pushed himself upwards.

It felt like burden of many years was weighing him down, but Loki was stronger than that. He vanished his soaked clothing from his body and adjusted the water temperature.

Life was going on.

-II-

_Am I really dreaming?  
Are you really gone?_

Loki was sitting in their private beach completely nude, just how he did quite often when they were alone in their abode in Malibu in summer. Tony was laying on a beach towel just beside him, also nude. He called it tanning, direct quote being 'this tan doesn't appear out of nowhere darling, you know it better than anyone'.

The green eyed man couldn't deny he wasn't enjoying this, it didn't matter he had wed the man, ogling his naked other half was still an enjoyable experience. He had wed him because he was possessive, not because he would put him away like some collectable item.

“Hmm, do you thin your stare could get me off, too?” Tony asks, his eyes closed, but a knowing smirk plays on his lips.

Loki smiles at him adoringly, the man knew him too well. “Well, I believe I proved many times that I don't need to touch you to do so, do you want yet another demonstration?”

Tony pouts as he squints at him. “You and your silver tongue, what else can I say? I really love when you talk dirty to me.” He wiggles his eyebrows to emphasise the point.

Green eyes roll in exasperation, the hot sun beams down on them and a small breeze comes from the ocean bringing the smell of salty water and fish. Loki leans down to his husband obstructing the sun, brown eyes open fully to look up at him and Loki grins like a predator as he closes the last few inches to kiss those luscious lips-

Eyes snap open and immediately focus on the other, empty side of the bed and pain blooms inside his chest as Loki rolls away, turning his face to the blinded windows. It didn't help the pain...

_Are you really gone?_

-II-

_Fantasies are the only thing I can't shake  
Think about all the memories we could have made_

Thor's voice booms through the kitchen about the plans he has for them once they're back in Asgard. His voice is full of fake cheer and that's the only reason Loki hasn't spelled his mouth shut, he knows Thor also lost a dear friend and he only tries to help Loki hurt less.

The thing is that the blond oaf of a man doesn't understand that travelling to the golden realm wouldn't sooth Loki's aching heart. There were too many fantasies tied with that place he had included Tony.

He had always hoped he would one day be able to bring his lover around the Nine Realms. Show him the excessively golden halls of Asgard, where the two of them could laugh about someone overcompensating for something. Never would Tony participate in a feast that only Asgardians are able to throw, never he will taste the mead, see how the roasted boar looks on the long table.

He will never visit the chamber Loki grew up in, never see the wonderful library Loki learned so much in, will never visit mother's gardens where the two of them would pray by her grave. He will never have his lover against of the many pillars of the castle with the only thing that hides them being his magic.

Loki will never be able to show the wast forests of Alfheim where the elves resided. Will never show him what true harmony between nature and it's inhabitants look like, how the elves are able to take all the resources they need without killing themselves in return.

They will never dance in a true elven party, never hear their magical music. Loki will never know what shape a magical tattoo elves make take on Tony's skin. Will never see his husband in long braided hair, just the way that elves' magic can make one look if one visits the realm for the first time.

He will never share the Muspelheim heat or the Jotunheim cold.

Loki will never be able to show him his mother's world – Vanaheim. It's rich cities and lush gardens, their magic, that was so different from Loki's their technology that unlike in Asgard would be gladly shared with his lover to disassemble and study. Loki will never be able to see how Tony would have reacted to that level of technology, what he would have done with it, what new he would have built...

All because he refused immortality, refused to go through a trial of Asgard or simply eat a golden fruit. He gave his reasons, reason Loki had understood and in the end had no choice but to respect, because how he could not? If Tony said he wouldn't be able to carry the weight of thousands of years of life before him without going insane Loki couldn't really say anything about it.

What he loved about his husband was his brilliant mind, it had hurt enough seeing him old, his brilliant mind slower, even though his eyes shone the same brilliant spark. Loki had poured a lot of magic to prolong his beloved one's life, after all...

Thor's booming voice has long since disappeared among with the man himself, but Loki did not notice, lost inside his own mind too deeply to be brought out of it by anyone, but the one, that is already gone.

-II-

_Fast is gone and I'm still here,  
wondering if you'll reappear_

Loki wonders if he's going insane as yet another mug lies broken on the kitchen floor where Loki dropped it when he thought he saw Tony leaning on the kitchen cupboard, leering at the small patch of skin that showed when Loki reached out for his cup. The inventor had done that probably every morning with little exceptions.

I was one of many times Loki had though he saw his late lover inside their home. Once he thought he heard him humming when he was showering. He had dropped the shampoo bottle and had stood there for half an hour silently, listening into the silence and wondering if he will hear that phantom noise again.

Another time had been when he was in garage to take out one of his cars for a ride with hopes of clearing his head. He had to walk by Tony's workshop and when he was walking through the glass wall he thought he saw his lover sitting at his workbench, tinkering with something.

His heart had frozen as he had stopped in his tracks, staring into that empty spot. Loki had wanted to destroy the workshop then, played with idea of blowing the whole house up, just so he could run away from the ghost he kept seeing doing all those things that had become so familiar with his own brain was deceiving him, projecting missing pieces into reality.

It was tragic, it was stupid, Loki didn't know how much of it he could bear anymore, if his sanity could handle much more. If his heart could hold in the pain, maybe he should move out, go to another house of theirs, maybe stay in New York for a while, maybe go to that place in Nevada they built for shits and giggles, because who wanted to live in _Nevada?_

Maybe he should do exactly that... Loki cleaned up the broken mug parts and marched out of the kitchen without his desired tea or looking around. He had places to be.

-II-

_You always smile and kept me safe,_  
You held my hand and led the way  
You found the beauty in the pain  
Now you're gone, now you're gone

Loki is drunk again.

He's laying in their bed and had a hologram of Tony put up in front of him. The man had not believed in photographs so there were no old ones he could hold in his hand now, none he could throw at the wall in a fit of rage for him being gone, none he could pick up, brush his fingers to and apologize.

Maybe it was better that way, maybe it just made it hurt more.

Nonetheless, here he was, laying in their bed alone – always alone now – staring at his beloved's image and wondering about what he would be doing if Tony was still there.

“Why did you have to show me all these wonderful things and then be gone in a blink of an eye?” He asks the image.

“Why were you so perfect for me? Never believing my front about things that made me remember hurtful things, why were you so observant? Why were your mind so fascinating, why did you make so many projects with me, why you involve me in so many things you did, why did you give me a job I could do and enjoy freely, why did you teach me so many wonderful thing Midgard has discovered.

How did you know Midgardian wisdom would fascinate me so much, how did you know I'd enjoy all those philosophers and other scholar ideas? I can't believe how much I have learned from Midgardian literature and history, how such short lived world had went through so much change and revolution. I could have never imagined the youngest of all realms would be the most interesting.”

Loki's gaze falls from the hologram and to the view outside – the horizon was full of skyscrapers and the setting sun shone through the countless glass windows drowning the city in orange light. He had relocated to the big apple in hopes their home there would hurt less, but it only brought new batch of memories and renewed the pain in his chest.

“How am I supposed to live here now, all alone, when you're not here to steer me into something interesting, so I don't go around looking for trouble or aggravating people we should be playing nice with. Who will plan mischief with me, who will I have a prank war with?”

“How am I going to do this alone, when I gotten used to you so much..?”

“Why did you have to leave me?”

-II-

_Cannot hide the joy of life  
You left behind for me to find_

“Mr Loki.” Loki's musings about what he should do about the company while staring at the documents sent to him by the current CEO were interrupted by the AI's voice.

“Yes, JARVIS?” He asks the space, leaning down into the couch and away from the wretched documents.

“I will be carrying the last of Mr Stark's commands that I have been instructed to do before you become my first and foremost priority.” Loki's eyebrows furrow at the words, JARVIS had still commands to carry out? Now? Two months after Tony's death? “Mr Stark has left you this one last video to watch after his death.”

A hologram screen appeared from the table and Loki's green eyes glued themselves to the view that appeared on it. Tony appears in it, obviously sitting in his workshop, small smile on his lips like everything was okay.

“Hey darling,” His face looks so young... “we just got married and even now, a couple of days latter I'm still riding this wave full of feelings like undeniable happiness and the sappiest love possible.” A soppy smile plays on his lips and Loki wants to kiss it so much it hurts.

“I know the only way I will die and stay dead will be if I die of a natural cause, I don't know how far away that will be or if my death will be sudden or gradual, but I want to make this message for you, fully knowing that I will leave you mourning and hurting more than I ever wish for you feel.” Tears silently ride down Loki's cheeks as he watches the footage, he's keeping his lips pressed tightly so not to miss any words.

“I am truly sorry for leaving you, I'm sorry for not being able to continue by your side, to see all the places we haven't had the time to visit, I'm sorry I left a heart shaped hole inside you.” Pain is written all over Tony's face, like it breaks his heart just to think about it, but his words continue on strong, voice doesn't waver.

“I want you know that this is not the end of this, of us. I want you to visit all those places I know we didn't have the time to even without me, I want you to see them, to put every detail in your memory. I want you to live even if you're mourning, even if every step without my awesome wit will hurt you. I don't want you to forget me, hell no, but I want you to remember what we had and think of it fondly. I want to be that bitter sweet memory that makes your heart ache to remember, but you do so fondly anyway. I don't want to be a painful memory that you try to avoid so it won't hurt, I want you to love me, but with happiness because you did and not pain because I'm gone.” Loki's heart clenches in pain at how far home those words drive the fact he had slowly been doing the latter, avoiding thinking of Tony so it wouldn't hurt...

A rascal of a smile appears on Tony's lips and Loki's heart simply aches with how much he misses it. “I want you to see and experience as much as possible, so that when your times comes and we meet again in Nifleheim you can tell me all about it, because I will be waiting for those stories. Don't you dare to come without them or I will kick you out of it myself.”

Serious expression is gone from the inventor's face and he's smiling softly at the camera again. “I love you with everything that I am, so never forget that, and for the record, I won't get mad if you fall in love again, I will just have to learn to share, I guess.” He shrugs at this part and sends an air kiss. “See you on the other side.” He says and the screen goes black.

Loki gulps down more tears that are threatening to fall and takes a deep breath, Tony's words slowly sinking down into his mind. Meet you on the other side...

-II-

_I'll make you proud, I'll make you proud_

“My husband was a wonderful man, a brilliant creator and cared for this realm greatly. I've been grieving his passing in the past few months and have come to realization that the wound his passing created will be impossible to heal here where everything reminds me. That is why I decided I will be leaving Midgard for foreseeable future.

I won't be abandoning the place Tony had loved so dearly and if Earth will ever find itself in trouble it will always receive it from me, no matter in which realm I will be.

Regarding Stark Industries. I will still hold part of it shares, but it's CEO from now on will be a person who will fall under the requirements my husband has created and written down in his will.

And of course, the Iron Man suits, which since my husbands passing belong to me. There will never be another Iron Man, I know it sounds selfish, but the suits will not be given away to anyone or even left in this realm. I know your scientists already have the very basic models even if Tony's latest are still years away from reach. I believe your realm is strong enough without them. I wish for my husbands legacy to be his suits and the deeds he did in them and not the company he owned.

That is all.”

_I know you're really gone,_  
It's time to move on  
I'll never stop believing  
That I see you again  
I'll miss you till then

  
  


 


End file.
